When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
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*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My life in a nutshell
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.