When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
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For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Practicing safe sax
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.