@edgarrants: When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
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@Fred_Delicious: "911? Help, my son has gone missing" [baby lowers hands from eyes] "Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere"
@sixfootcandy: [at the airport] Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma'am? Me: Sure. What can I get you?
@naughtywriter2: I have a friend whose thighs don't touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
@HallpassCanada: Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can't spot the douche at work today, then it's probably you.