@CroweJam: When life hands you women, make women laid.
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@Underchilde: A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.
@CountMackula: Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
@awkwardphilippe: Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart