When life hands you women, make women laid.
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white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.