stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
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“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
new career option?
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*