@Sickayduh: When life tosses me a football, I'm the ref who's not looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face
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@daemonic3: [spelling bee] Your word is 'impossible' "Oh, well I guess no point in trying" *walks off stage*
@TheSweetestD_: The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn't make you wait an hour.
@sarcasticmommy4: It's nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates. It'd be even nicer if they'd stop bringing them back home.
@avaricious1: How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.