Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
This kid will have a bright future.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart