When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
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Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Check out the legs on this baby
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.