When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.