When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Monday?
No. Next question.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks