Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
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Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Planet of the Apps.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti