@bourgeoisalien: When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.
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@mattZillaaaa: [job interview] HR: Says here you're very good at multi-tasking *me taking a selfie & spinning in chair HR: *whispering "wow he's good"
@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.