@bourgeoisalien: When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.
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@sublyfe2015: My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter... So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.
@Jenny4ashley: [speed dating] Me: Have you ever choked someone? "No I would never do something like that" Me: Next
@Vodkantots: In some cultures, it's considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby. I'd be considered proper there. Probably.