@bourgeoisalien: When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.
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@ReeseButCallMeV: My niece said I look like a mom. So now we're playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
@Reverend_Scott: [horror movie in 2169] The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE [entire audience faints]
@JohnLyonTweets: I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.