Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
This could be us… but you playing
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Comparing yourself to others
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Hamburger Hinderer.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.