Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
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You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]