When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
When I pack too much for a short trip.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.