When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Worth a try
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*