@280Jokes: When mom returned from the store, her son had found a box of animal crackers. He spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy says. "I'm looking for the seal."
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@hotdogsladies: Whenever our neighbor's dog is barking, I know there's either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
@CopBroughtPizza: thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
@SimplyRetard: "*RING**RING* in the middle Of night! "Hello?" "Hey man are you home?" "No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King."
@AnkCoupleTO:  Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people Henchman 1: New STD? S: No H2: Incurable virus? S: No H3: A cameraphone S: Nice