ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.