@280Jokes: When mom returned from the store, her son had found a box of animal crackers. He spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy says. "I'm looking for the seal."
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@mrsjohngoodman: One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
@freypalm: Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job. Me: [painting the cat's claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
@Gupton68: 10: "What are we doing today? Me: "We're gonna make tacos." 10: "Then what are we going to do?" Me: "...I'll be eating tacos."
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: We need a new fridge. Me: This is a terrible day. Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge. Me: This is the best day of my life.