My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
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Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
How times have changed.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”