If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
You Might Also Like
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒