“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
How it started: How it’s going:
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?