When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not