When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
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[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
The old gods are rising again.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
umm…
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.