When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
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Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
fixed it
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”