When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
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this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.