@onelongbender: When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren't my kids but he'd never fire a Mom of seven, right?
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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
@AndrewNadeau0: IDEAL UBER DRIVER: -Clean car -Doesn’t talk to me during drive -Plays good music -When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
@tat2dsoccermom: Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.
@ohpegah: [playing with a Ouija board with my dog] Board: B A L L Me: I know that's you moving it! Stop! Board: T R E A T S