When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Lassie, get help!
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing