Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.