When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
You Might Also Like
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
moms in horror movies
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.