When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
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It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
ME (calling my horse with no name):
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways