I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
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“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My life in a nutshell
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.