When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
shut up and take my money
*pronounces fake like saké*
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*