when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see