Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident