@onedumbshark: When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn't know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
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@AimeeHelene1: That moment when your ID badge doesn't work & you wonder: Did I get fired? Can I go back to bed now? Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: I'm in the mood for dessert *winks at wife* [2 hours later] Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?