Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
You Might Also Like
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here