@molly7anne: when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
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@better_off_dad: God: I made a rainbow! Devil: I'm making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.
@generaldietz: lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you? me: yea...it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners lifeguard: a squid?