@buhsbaby_baby: When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it's because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor
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@ArfMeasures: ME: Ok, that's everything in the dishwasher *closes dishwasher door* *turns it on* *turns around* TEASPOON: You're not gonna believe this
@david8hughes: [in Walmart] "Excuse me, do you have towels?" "Oh, I don't work here." [leans in close] "I don't give a shit where you work."
@fro_vo: "hey what's that sqiggly thing on the ground?" "i don't know, it looks kinda like a w or m" -- how the worm got its name