@buhsbaby_baby: When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it's because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor
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@zachreinert03: A friend asked if I thought there was alien life on other planets and I was like don't give up hope, there's someone out there for you
@girlontapas: He told me I was too pretty not to smile. So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose. Now I'm smiling.
@BuckyIsotope: Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
@radtoria: 1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every five minutes 2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don't even notice