“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
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Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ