@aveuaskew: When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting "I'm pregnant" to random numbers.
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@krisv_723: Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
@rose24_em: 21st century divorce: I want it stipulated that he can't change the Netflix password.
@krissywillbretz: Brain: stop eating! Me: why B: you'll get fat M: so? B: there's only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach! M: oh *stops eating*
@pleatedjeans: *gets down on 1 knee* OMG *puts 2nd knee down* WHAT? *lays on floor* JIM? *snake noises* WHAT ARE YOU DOING? *slithers out of relationship*