@aveuaskew: When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting "I'm pregnant" to random numbers.
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@truegritrumble: INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness? ME: I'm told my laugh is sinister. INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can't be true. ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
@TheTweetOfGod: When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.
@ChaseMit: Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
@RidiculousSheri: I have two boyfriends! Well, I'm dating two men Okay. Ben and I are just friends Same with Jerry Fine. I have ice cream. But it's love.