When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
(Jupiter –
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation