me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
You Might Also Like
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY