@SaraESpivey: When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
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@noog: World: Hey check out this sport we made called football. America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
@hazelmotes1: On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.
@BumbleDC: *accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance* I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER! [4 days later] YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
@Black__Elvis: They say the camera adds ten pounds so my girlfriend only needs to lose about four or five cameras before bikini season.