@SaraESpivey: When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Sal0630: Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium
@LostCatDog: My high-school wrestling coach called me "the raccoon" cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
@ericsshadow: [wife checking on me and the kids] Hello "I called the house, you didn't answer." I went out. "Ok. Well how have they been?" How's who been?
@david8hughes: Wife: morning Me: good morning Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that's great