THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
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All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.