@Adar79Angie: When my family says things like...why don't you have kids yet? I say "Because I didn't get drunk & do the football team, Sasha."
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@aveuaskew: Win every disagreement by saying " I know. I'm from the future." Because they can argue with you, but not science.
@DurtMcHurtt: Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
@BuckyIsotope: Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
@narcoticpanda: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"