I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
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Donkey Kong sommelier
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above