Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
The pen is writier than the sword.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.