When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect