When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
asked my bf how work was today
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush