@rickolantern: When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
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@mindflakes: People often ask me if there's a good reason why I'm sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is
@bobvulfov: genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire me: ok i wish for a mcflurry genie: ah sorry the machine isn't working right now
@KeetPotato: [tied up by the mafia] any last requests? "yes, let me go" [still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]
@ladybroseph: Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.