When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
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[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.