@sixfootcandy: When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
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@randygdub: hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
@briangaar: Whenever people are like "We need to restore traditional values to this country" I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake
@MsFoxIfUrNasty: I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.