When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
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jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.