What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
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it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Ghost costume 😂
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I’m going to need a moment here.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit