I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
This is why I hate group projects
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.