BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.